I cracked out the sparkly paints for this one!
In my last post on my experiences with an eating disorder I mentioned how people around me helped me to realise the "lies about the character of God that I had been telling myself." When we go through difficult times, it is then that our implicit views on who God is - and who we are - are tested. They come to light; rear their ugly head, if you will! In a journal of mine, on one of the pages I got to a couple of days ago, it has a quote along the bottom edge of the page that reads: "What comes into our minds when we think about God is the most important thing about us." ~ A. W. Tozer. And I think it's true! But when our images of God get gradually morphed into something that isn't God - by imperfect metaphors, human imperfections and sometimes unhelpful teaching from the church/Christian media - when we're thrown into the wilderness, we are forced to realise that lie we've been believing and either let it break us, or allow God to challenge it in us. The lie that I had been believing was that I could fail God and ruin it all. That somehow, if I didn't get every step of "God's plan" right, and work out precisely what I needed to do next, and make all the correct decisions; that I would end up separated from God, out on my own, doing nothing and being just a huge disappointment to the God who knew what I could've done... if only I'd got it right! I realised this lie in a recounting of the story of Elijah in 1 Kings 19.1-18. In the story, I saw a fearful Elijah running for his life but feeling there was no point! In his despair he walked all the way to God's mountain, seeking God out, and God asks him why he's there, and Elijah (in a paraphrased way) says, "I failed! I tried and I tried, my hardest! But they won't listen - I failed to bring the people back to you, God! I couldn't do it! And now, NOW - they're just going to kill me too, like they killed all the other prophets! I have achieved nothing! I failed! I'm a failure." And God tells him to go out because God Godself is about to pass by. And there's the great wind, that starts to split the rocks, and the earthquake that shakes the mountain, and the fire the burns and rages. And I could see myself in Elijah's shoes, hiding in that cave, crying my eyes out huddled on the floor, afraid but knowing that THIS is what I deserve! I failed God! I got it wrong! Split ME apart with your great wind; shake ME with your earthquake; burn and rage and consume ME with your fire! I'm a failure. I deserve it. BUT THE LORD WAS NOT IN THE WIND... [OR] THE EARTHQUAKE... [OR] THE FIRE. (1 Kings 19.12) Then came the sound of a still, small voice - a nourishing, strength-giving, gently drawing-unto-itself voice that brought Elijah out of his cave to talk with God. Where God could say to him; 'That's not me!' And God doesn't even address this issue of what Elijah thinks is the damning evidence of his failure. Instead, God responds by re-commissioning Elijah - giving him another mission, another job. In that, I saw a God who didn't see Elijah as a failure but as a man who'd walk all that way, and climb that mountain, just to be close to God because he so desperately wants to serve and love God - and God loved him dearly without that and loved him dearly because of that! And I saw a God who sticks with us; never giving up on us, and knowing exactly what we need, even - and probably especially - when it's not what we think we deserve.
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AuthorI'm a recent Cambridge Theology graduate now studying for a Masters in Biblical Studies and blogging about all sorts of things! I'm interested in faith, Church, theology, social action, the great outdoors and being creative, and all of those things - along with many more - come through in my posts!
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